I feel lost. It’s not like I’m drowning this time but more like I’m stuck in a forest. The forest is so beautiful it’s distracting. It makes you forget you’re tired, thirsty, and hungry. The sights you see make you forget you’re in pain and need rest. The forest is also really easy to get lost in. I feel like I’ve just blinked and realized I’ve been walking around on the same circle of animal paths, trying to find the path to somewhere else that was never there to begin with – but in the dusky light of the twilight, I never saw the truth because the shadows were too dark.
Sometimes the circles are wide and deceiving, you don’t even know your path is curving. Other times you may as well be spun around in a circle like when you played ‘pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey’ at a birthday party as a small child. These quick, tight circles that leave you lost and spinning are the hardest ones. When you finally stop spinning there is no way to get your bearings without falling over, and possibly puking.
I’m spinning so fast I cannot tell I’m actually spinning, until I stop. It’s the absence of the spinning that makes it obvious I was spinning. Then I sit down and notice all the things that went by without me noticing. I sit down, find my mental bearings with my mental compass and try to figure out how to pick up the pieces of what has been waiting for me to stop spinning for no reason other than to spin. Because that’s the thing about this lost spinning feeling, I don’t know how long I’ve been lost and I don’t know which direction is north. So I guess if there’s a way to be lost without knowing it because you just assume you know where you’re are, even though you can’t see where you’re going or where you’re been until you stop……
Maybe it’s like what being lost in in the future when space travel is common will be like.
I guess that means it’s not right to say that I feel lost. It’s more that I feel like my life is spinning out of control and I’m just watching it go… I can’t catch it because I’m spinning too fast and if I stop I’ll fall down. Everyone has spun in a circle as a small child. Everyone remembers what it’s like to spin until you get dizzy and the world goes crooked and you fall down. It’s one of those things you don’t really appreciate as an adult, maybe because as an adult you know what a hangover is like?
Is that why I detest this feeling so much? Because it’s like a hangover? It would explain some of the physical ailments, but I’m not sure if it explains the mental afflictions.
That also means it’s not that I’m stuck in a forest, except that the forest explains how distracting being in a daze can be. Maybe all this just shows that I have no idea how to explain how I feel right now!