Control

I don’t have a job and cannot have much income at all for the next three years if I want my mountain of student loans to be discharged for disability. I’m not able to fill my days with volunteering since I’m not working because I do not have the physical or mental energy I once had a few years ago. I also have to be aware of what/who I’m in contact with. If I get sick from a sick person, I could be sick for a very long time.

I have to plan out a lot of my activities – usually everything outside of the house – so that I still have energy for anything afterward. There is very little safe and healthy for me to eat outside of food that has been prepared at home. The one thing I know I can get from any convenience store that is safe for me is potato chips…. except right now while this acid reflux is really bad. My diet is very restricted and there are few food or drink “indulgences” that I get to partake in. In the morning, I usually eat so I can take my medicine, not because I’m hungry.

A few weeks ago I received my (first) denial letter for my SSDI application. (Apparently the DoE can discharge over $110,000 in student loan debt easier than Social Security can give out monthly checks.)

I knit, peruse the internet, or play ithing games, almost every day. I feed the cats. I remember my regular meals but sometimes forget to eat in between those times. I have problems with anxiety and depression, in part because of my health problems and in part because of all the bad experiences I’ve had in medical settings….and in part because I feel like I have very little control. On bad days I do little more than stare at my ithing, watch Netflix, eat and nap. On good days I can handle computer games and more than one or two household chores. Sometimes it’ll be two weeks before I leave the house besides for the grocery store or a doctor appointment. Going to the movies is really hard on my body and brain because of sitting still for so long and mentally processing everything from the movie. I think that must be why I like re-watching movies/tv shows.

When I was a grad student I wanted to make my life into something meaningful. I wanted to be able to help people by working in a non-profit organization. I can’t do that. It’s not possible. Someone/something/the universe/the fates/a higher power/my genes took that away from me. What I live now doesn’t feel very meaningful.

Somehow I need to find a way to focus on the little things I do have control over and one big thing I do have control. I choose to continue to fight to the dark thoughts that tell me it would be easier just to give up and stop it all. Except, that living shouldn’t be a battle.

Author: Histamine Queen

Nerd, wife, knitter, writer, cat mom, and comic book reader w/masters of science in Applied Sociology. I have histamine intolerance, lots of food allergies and sensitivities - including gluten. And I have multiple sclerosis fibromyalgia, asthma, drug allergies, and migraines. Basically, I have a collection of invisible chronic health problems. I don't just survive these things, but sometimes I do hate them because I see doctors so often that keeping healthy and staying full time employed is currently impossible.

2 thoughts on “Control”

  1. It’s always hard to be faced with what you can’t do anymore. Whenever someone asks me what I’m in school for, or if I’ve graduated, or where I work, I just freeze up. It’s a really sore spot, and I don’t know what to do about it other than grieve. You’re in my thoughts.

    1. Thanks….and thankfully (?) I have to answer that question on doctor forms most of the time. I say any variety of things, often “unemployed”…. I totally get what you mean about sore spot.

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