I graduated with my masters degree in 2011. I needed my student loans to get through my undergraduate degree and then finish my masters. (I almost didn’t do the masters degree but the job market was nonexistent in 2009.)

Since graduating I’ve held one crappy customer service/tech support call center-ish job which I quit last September. As of this year I have not looked for a full time job. I think one paycheck might have covered my student loan payment? Might have…. with less food.

I’m not obviously sick. It’s not visible…. but with the migraines (that may or may not last 3 days), fibromyalgia, multiple sclerosis, histamine intolerance, and chemical sensitivities…. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to work full time again. Our country isn’t good at understanding the invisible sickness. That’s not everything either. It doesn’t count the actual physical problems that show up on MRIs. I hope I can work at some point again. But I have no idea if I’ll ever be able to work full time. I seem to average somewhere around 2-5 doctor appointments a month. Going a week with no appointments is amazing lately. Maybe if doctors were open on weekends?

My student loan payment is now over $1200. I had to put my loans on forbearance again because there is no payment option that is possible. That’s similar to our mortgage. Because I married a successful man, live in TX, and have no children, I cannot quality for an economic hardship deferment so the loans are just sitting there growing larger and larger. Economic hardship deferment used to be based on the individual borrower’s income, now it’s based on the household. I’m not sure how that was supposed to help student loan borrowers…..

I would pay the student loans if I could. It’s impossible. (Doesn’t help that my diet requirements are ridiculous and hard.) It’s not my fault that I got sick. I’d be more than happy to give back the MS. I still wish I could do what I wanted to do when I left college – work in nonprofit and help people. Even better if it’s people that have fallen through the cracks.

I’m now waiting on forms to come from Nelnet to find out if I can get a physician to certify that I’m disabled. I have no idea if I’ll be able to work full time or ever make that much money. I have no idea which of my doctors to take the forms too.

I’m pretty sure I’m not broken enough to get through the disability process in terms of social security. The US government has ridiculous requirements for applying for disability through social security. It’s amazing how much ableism is built into the bureaucratic parts of the US. Because, you have to actually be broken physically and mentally to qualify. I would like to think I’m just a little bit bent.

…. also makes me wonder if I should find an alternate to gofund me that would help me pay for all the medical bills that are in collections.

update here: I just realized I didn’t even bother to mention the about $7/day I spend on medicine. That doesn’t count the supplements that are all vitamins/minerals that are recommended by my doctors. It could be worse if I wasn’t on the program to cover my MS meds.

Basically I’d like the world to stop shitting on me when I haven’t really done anything wrong. If I’m paying forward on awesome karma? Then can I like win the lottery without having to play? I don’t make demands of other people. I don’t do illegal shit. I don’t even drink anymore because my body cannot handle it.

I want to help people and help my community but the universe has even seen fit to take that from me too.

(When I realized I had some much to say I decided to post this on my blog too.//crossposted on reddit here)